Not good with goodbyes

I finished school today. I had my last exam, and walked out the gates of my secondary school in uniform for the last time.

It was a weird feeling, knowing that it was over. There was relief of course, because exams had taken over my every waking thought for the past 6 weeks, but I didn’t feel happy. I know that it should have been great to know I’ll never be there again to stress over homework and lessons, but really, I miss it already.

School wasn’t always a place I liked. My first year there is quite cloudy in my memory, but there were parts I remember so vividly that I can still recall every detail: pretending to be ill because I couldn’t face going into school, having petty arguments with friends – looking back, I wish I had just admitted being wrong- and days where double maths on a Monday morning felt like torture. All that kept me from losing it completely was knowing that there were only 5 years at that school, but at the time the end seemed so far away.

It’s all over now, and I can’t comprehend how fast time has passed. I was constantly told how quickly those years would go, and it’s pretty cliched, but I never believed it until now. There were always days of monotonous lessons stretched before me, weeks of the same daily routine, and I hated it sometimes because I felt so trapped, like I could never ever get out. Now though, I long for another day in that place, because I know that soon I’ll have to deal with the fact that it wont be my school  anymore-  just a memory.

I’ve said I hated school a lot of the time, but there were obviously the moments that will make me miss it. This year was the best because it’s been the year I feel I’ve grown most as a person, been more confident and generally giving my all to the work I’ve had to do. Some days I stayed late to finish work, and walking through those halls were such peaceful, blissful moments that were so apart from the noisy, crowded corridors that I was used to that I know I’ll never forget them. Feeling so unafraid for once was a wonderful feeling because I used to be so concerned about rules and going unnoticed that I rarely looked around me and noticed the good things.

The ultimate reason why I’ll miss my school though, is because this last year has been so great, and it’s been so great because it’s the last year. NEVER ENDING CYLCE. If this hadn’t been the last year, I wouldn’t have noticed and appreciated all the little things I’ve loved, but then there wouldn’t be a blog post at all would there.

I’m not sure if I’ve conveyed what the point of this is clearly, but basically, school’s over and I miss it, but then again my new school could be nice as well, so I should just write a sad poem in my journal and move on.

 

Currently reading: The Great Gatsby
Addicted to: Tumblr 

 

 

 

 

Nostalgia

So I just remembered I had this blog, and decided to look over past posts for the fun of it. Some are actually rather amusing- I’m not sure if that’s due to the hilarious, witty writing for for the awfulness of it- but look back if you like, there’s even a post on synchronised swimming!
Be excited about that.

Anyway, I thought I’d quickly write about how sentimental a person I am, and how I can feel so attached to places and people, just because I have some sort of history with them.

Even this blog feels warm and fuzzy because I wrote it nearly a year ago- back then things were so different, so it’s nice to see a past version of myself and her thoughts and feelings for a month every day. I remember exactly what happened and where I was when writing each of those blogs, and that’s what I love about it.

It’s the same as why I write a diary, but on here I’m forced to be more concise and insightful as opposed to my diary where most of the entries consist of “today was crap”, “I hate the world” and “Why don’t you like me??” (I’m slighlty  exaggerating, but only slightly). I’ve missed blogging- even though I know that not many people will read it, that’s not the point. It’s here if they want to, and if not that’s fine- I’m not bothering anyone about it or notifying them, but it’s here, and even I can come and look at it even if I’m not using it anymore. I won’t delete this account I don’t think, because it’s fun and nice, and sits here until I come back for it and this is an extremely long sentence.

Back to the point- I like reminiscing- maybe more that I should. If I hear a certain song or smell a certain smell, it brings me right back to a single moment or day, and sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I’m forced to break down into tears, or laugh at the memory or situation. This could be seen as over the top, but I like it. I like that even if you have all the pictures and videos in the world, little things can bring you back to that time and place a whole lot more than a still image, a frozen ghost of the past.

So, this is what I’m like at one in the morning, feeling slightly emotional online. I’m just stressing out a bit about exams, the future and everything- I’m so calm during the day but then BAM- it’s past midnight and I start freaking out about everything. It’s fine though, because I know it will be fine, I just allow myself a bit of crazy before the next day approaches.

I may blog more soon, I’m not sure, but I really like having the memory of writing this so I think I might continue. Also, I’ll probably try and write a lot this summer, because wahey, I love writing. NaNoWriMo is always such a fail, but this, just writing, is easy and nice. It’s like a massive tweet that keeps going on and on, spewing out every part of my day, my thoughts until no one can take anymore.

I know someone reading will be screaming “oh my god, no one cares” in their head, but this is my blog, and it feels very personal and my own. Maybe too personal, I’m not sure, but I’ll keep it for now, and come back tomorrow to see how this mindless nonsense turned out.

If you read this, leave a comment or something and I hope to see you soon!

-Rebecca

PLUS I hit 300 subscribers today, I’m so happy.

Book I’m reading: The Great Gatsby and Fellowship of the Ring
Addicted to: Gossip Girl

#26 The End.

Finally- the end of the torturous BEDA month.
No, it wasn’t that bad, I just feel like a slight failure as I’m 5 posts short. I really enjoyed blogging everyday at the beginning of the month because I was on holiday, so blogging was like a substitute for not talking to my friends much.

However, now it’s such an effort to come up with something witty and mildly interesting to talk about, that I’ve lost all motivation- especially as I don’t get comments and I feel like I’m sending my thoughts into a void of internet cyberspace to be lost forever. Thank you to everyone who has commented at all, and thanks if you’ve kept reading- I may blog in the future as I do love writing, I just enjoy it a lot more when it isn’t a chore.

So far this Summer I’ve been to Spain, dyed my hair red, read a total of 2 books (pathetic, I know), painted my room, been shopping several times and been to the cinema twice and watched every episode of Gilmore Girls.

It doesn’t sound increincredibly eventful, but 2 weeks in Spain was a lot of fun. I’ve had plenty of pyjama days too, where I’ve gotten out of bed at half 12, sat in my Spanish trousers (which are basically very ugly and baggy but very comfy stretchy trousers that were the height of fashion in Spain this summer) and watched Gilmore Girls with a tub of Ben and Jerrys’s- which has become so cliched by the way. I’ve enjoyed those days, but it’s also nice to get out and do things, like going to museums and vintage shops and markets which I love. I also went to the cinema yesterday to see Scott Pilgrim VS. the Word which I thought was brilliant. I’m not a massive gamer myself, but I understood a lot of the references and immensely enjoyed the fast-paced, quirky humour of the film. I felt like I could relate to Scott as I’m a massive nerd, and it was just wonderfully surprising as it was so different to anything I’d ever seen.

So thank you very much for this month, and I will hopefully be blogging again very soon. Goodbye, ducklings. <33

-Rebecca

#25 Boring

Well done, Rebecca. You have once again sat down to blog without any idea of what to write about, instantly causing the blog to be boring and useless. I’m regretting doing BEDA because blogging has become a chore rather than a fun hobby, which I’m sure wasn’t the aim.

Right, I’m going to try and go to sleep early tonight, so I’ve had my hot chocolate, and now I think I’ll read and try to get to sleep before 4. At the moment I’m watching QI which is good. Yay.

Boring boring boring, I feel ashamed at how boring this is so I will spare you any more painful, forced thoughts. I’m sorry.
Love me!

Until tomorrow,
Rebecca
x

#24 Esther

So I didn’t blog today, and it’s technically Friday but this is Thursday’s post. It’s currently 3:42 and I still haven’t slept.

This time I haven’t been staying up on purpose- as soon as my head hit the pillow I found myself so overcome with emotion that I just couldn’t sleep. Even though I had been thinking about it all day, It had only just hit me that Esther Earl really isn’t with us anymore.

Her tweets are still there, her videos are still there, even replies she wrote 2 days ago are there, yet she is not. I just find it so amazing how the whole nerdfighter community has come together to say goodbye to her, through videos, comments and tweets. (I don’t want this blog post to be too sad, but I have to some how stop thinking about this somehow, and blogging seems to be extremely theraputic). What I want to say is, she will always be with us, and as so many people have been paying their respects to this inspirational, always cheerful person, she can never be forgotten.

Of course, when I thought about this, it made me think about my own mortality, and how many people will remember me when I’m gone. I wish I could be as amazing and strong as her for people I’ve never even met to care about me. I bet we all do.

Everytime I start thinking like this, I can’t stop, and so now I’ve worked myself into a state that I’m not sure I can escape just yet. I read over what I said yesterday, and it just seemed like the most unfeeling thing I could have said about someone who has given so many people hope that have been in similar situations to her, yet only now I’m feeling not even near to what her family and friends must be feeling. I didn’t know her, yet I still can get out of my head all the sad thoughts and I wish I could.

I knew if I blogged about this it wouldn’t live up to her memory, so I apologise, but I couldn’t help showing how she has affected people in other parts of the world she never even met. She truly is an inspiration, and her memory will live on.
“Death is but the next great adventure.”
DFTBA
<33

#23 Paint

So I completely forgot to blog yesterday, but no fear, I will fill in the gaps eventually. Today didn’t start up particularly productively as I woke up at 12, but I finally began painting my room.

Yesterday I bought all the paint, so today I moved my bed and things to one side of the room and washed the wall (how does it get so dirty?!) and the started painting it a stone colour. I’m going to to one wall purple so it’s not too boring as I’ve given up on the wallpaper plan, as it will be too expensive and I lack the drive to commit myself to the hard work ect.

I love looking at all the different paint names, and the purple that I want is called ‘Mulberry Burst’ which is the main selling point of it- it just sounds lovely.
This is what I find hilarious:
Great marketing right there. Dead fish. Maybe it’s an experiment to see who buys it, or people genuinely want their walls to remind them of rotting salmon whenever they see it.  Even thought the colour’s okay, the name would put me right off.

In other news, which makes paint samples and walls seem extremely trivial, Esther Earl passed away today who was a valuable member of the nerdfighter community. I wasn’t sure how to react to the news as I’m not going to pretend I knew her personally, but I watched some of her videos, read her tweets, and although they’re still there, it’s like we’ve all been immortalised by the internet, and she will never truly be gone. I feel like anything else I write about this won’t do her memory justice, but my thoughts are with her family and all of her friends in nerdfighteria.

All the best until tomorrow,
Rebecca
x

#22 5 facts fun timez yay

Brilliant, I can’t think of anything exciting to write about- clearly a change from all my other blogs- so I thought I would tell you 5 facts about me that you didn’t want to know but will. Kind of like the Vlog Tag Game, but in a blog. Crazy, I know!

1. When I was about 8 I had an unhealthy obsession with Pigs- I had a pig calendar, pig toys, pig figures, pig pictures and an electronic pic that trotted and snorted. I really loved pigs.

2. You may know this if you follow me on Twitter, but I love Moss from the IT Crowd. I think he’s the most wonderful character ever created, apart from the Doctor. (Slight exaggeration, but seriously, he’s brilliant.)

3. When I’m by myself I often cry spontaneously at the smallest things. Yeah, I’m pathetic. *sniff*

4. I used to like Twilight. I got over it.

5. All day I’ve been watching “Whose Line is it Anyway?” on Youtube. I love it so much, especially Ryan and Colin who are comedy geniuses.

I hope that was a tiny bit interesting- I didn’t think up the most “juiciest” facts but not many people are going to read this ^_^

I finished watching Gilmore Girls. Yep, I conquered all 7 series in about 4 weeks, but I loved it, and I will watch it again. It doesn’t feel like it’s over though, and they left so much hanging that it’s weird not being able to grab another disc to see what happens… it’s probably a good thing though, that this obsession that had me watching ’till 6:30 in the morning, is over.

Rebecca
x

Currently reading: Franny and Zooey (I’m not that much of a slow reader, I was reading something else. Promise).
Addicted to: Whose Line is it Anyway clips

#21 Fork Handles

Hi there.

So I think it’s really odd how I do little things to make myself feel better after a bad day, or if I’m in a bad mood. I should just suck it up and move on, but in my mind I have to treat myself or something so I gradually come to better terms with the world.

Today I got really annoyed with my room because there was junk everywhere, including my teddies, bin bags and generally useless things that I don’t need but want. I kept stepping on things, tripping over stuff and spontaneously crying over how I would never be able to clean up the mess.
So I cleaned up. I just did it. It’s strange how a bad mood sometimes motivates me, and sometimes makes me shrink into my duvet with a bowl of ice cream and my laptop.

My brother just walked into my room and said
“Tomorrow we need to buy fourcandles” and I said
“What?” and he said
“Fourcandles” and I didn’t get it but he found it hilarious and then I got it:

Ahh British humour, how I love you.

‘Till tomorrow,
Rebecca
x

#20 A whole lot of teddies

Another late blog, well done Rebeca.

Today I cleared out my wardrobe that I want to get rid of- and of course when I say cleared out I mean put everything on the floors in rumbled up piles and bin bags. I have a WHOLE lot of teddies, some I’m worryingly attached to and some not so much. I feel bad about giving them away because the 8 year old girl inside me still talks to her teddies at night, and it’s like in Toy Story 3- they haven’t been played with in years, so it’s probably better if they’re given to children who will actually play with them, instead of sitting on a shelf all squished together. :’(

In other news, this is the kind of wallpaper I want:

Gorgeous, I know. It’s expensive though, and I’ll have to strip old wallpaper off my walls which will be laborious enough, so it probably wont ever happen. Maybe I should just leave it, but projects are fun and rewarding, and change is good.

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you tomorrow will a hopefully less wallpaper-y blog.

Rebecca
x

#19 Wallpaper.

I really want to redo my room. It hasn’t been decorated since I was 8, when I decided it would be a good idea to paint it bright orange. It isn’t exactly a calming  colour, and apparently it stimulates appetite. Possibly an explanation for my love of snacking. Colours just have that much effect on people. Yep.

I’ve been looking for the perfect wallpaper so I can get together an idea of the price, but I had no idea how expensive they were, and how hard it is to actually get onto the wall. My room has quite a high ceiling as well, so painting it will be difficult as well. I also want a new wardrobe and sheets and blah blah blah…

I wish I didn’t love pretty things and nicely decorated rooms… but I can’t help it. I have nothing else to do this summer, so I want to at least attempt this, even though it probably wont happen. I at least need to clear out my wardrobe that doesn’t contain any clothes, but old school books, barbies, bags, posters and of course my beloved teddies from my childhood. I want to donate them to charity, but in my mind they still have names, personalities and their own voices. They must hate me so much for shoving them in the wardrobe to begin with, it would probably be kinder to let them go…

Okay, this was a terrible post, but I’m watching Lee Evans at the same time so it’s hard to concentrate. He’s hilarious.

-Rebecca
x